Moving Through Difficult Emotions
Today I felt inspired to write about something that I think in our society is barely addressed and at the same time the solution to many health problems we experience as human beings today more strongly than ever.
This is a topic that I am now studying and learning more about as an adult because I felt the deep desire to make positive changes in my life for myself, especially because of my eating problematic I have been living with for the past years. So I decided to get more curious around it, determined to find healthy and long-lasting solutions to my own emotional and psychological challenges in my life and with myself.
Growing up in my childhood and in my adolesence years I was never taught how to deal with my emotions, let alone learn and understand what emotions are representing, where they are coming from and why they would suddenly come up like a fire-breathing dragon wanting to take control of every cell of my whole body, making me feel completely paralyzed and incapable of handling them in a rational way. It caused a deep sense of desperation in me, not being able to control my emotions and instead being controlled by them. I feel like we are addressing this subject far too little in our families, with friends, our surrounding, at school and at work. At least in my life it has always appeared to be an off-topic discussion as it creates discomfort and opens up the door to what we most often try to keep closed within ourselves and with others at all costs: Vulnerability and Pain.
Why is it so hard for us to address our emotions and communicate them openly and sincerely with others? Why is it so damn difficult to understand and control ourselves when we are caught up in a whirlwind of emotions? With all of the books I have been reading up to this point about Emotional Intelligence, there is one book author that stands out when it comes to emotions, vulnerability and fear and her name is Brené Brown, a successful American Shame Researcher. She has written numerous books on this subject and through her I have gotten a better understanding of why human beings rather hide and suppress uncomfortable emotions such as sadness, anger, frustration and shame than diving heads-on into exploring the fascinating world of vulnerability and pain of human beings; connecting with it’s origins. It proportions us with a great wisdom to tackle our hidden and forgotten parts deep within ourselves, heal past trauma and that way being able to create a more blissful presence and future for ourselves. Less burdened internally, feeling lighter and happier.
Emotions And Its Origins
Emotions are information that give us an indication as to what is going on in ourselves in certain situations in life. They help us communicate our needs to our external world authentically and honestly, establish healthy boundaries and therefore create a more harmonious relationship with ourselves and others while we integrate more understanding and compassion for other people’s struggles. If we did not have the chance to grow up with a role model such as a mother, father or any grown-up guardian that helped us connect with our emotions, learn to validate them as real and something sacred to be taken seriously and treat with love and care, later on in life we perpetuate the behaviors we acquired as children to survive and more often than not it is very destructive. It can also be seen in different types of addiction, violence, depression, psychological and physical diseases, etc. I almost believe that Emotional Intelligence should be a human’s top priority in life before anything else. Sadly, this is not what we are taught in school either. We are taught to be good students and have the chance of a successful life in our future jobs. Only to find out that we are miserably unhappy no matter how much money we have, the status we have in society or how rich we are in a materialistic sense.
So in short, we relive the emotions again and again in adulthood in certain life situations that unconsciously connect us with our unhealed parts of our childhood, showing up as triggers to what we experienced there. Most often than not we are not aware that most unpleasant emotions that rip us out of our harmony and inner balance are still presenting themselves because we haven’t learned to deal with them properly and gone back to the roots to understand the unconscious mechanisms of the mind. There is always a reason why you react why you react but it cannot be addressed from your conscious mind, the rational part. Your conscious mind may detect that how you react and behave is not the appropriate way to go about a situation and you should handle it in a different way. That you might be over-reacting or even letting people walk all over you. The reality is we cannot will ourselves into changing a deeply ingrained behavior that has sat there for years and years and needs to be changed on a subconscious level.
Connecting With Our Emotions
This is a simple and yet not so easy thing to do. By simple I mean there are lots of techniques that can help you connect more with yourself and your emotional world in order to bring in more peace and balance into the whole chaos, healing trauma and that way changing the way you feel and respond to similar situations. The beautiful thing is, there is at least one way if not more for everyone as we are all so diverse and unique in our being and needs. The “not so easy” part is to actually be willing and open to feel your emotions as unpleasant and painful as they might seem in order to release that energetically burden within. And this again and again and again until you no longer show the same emotional reaction to the same situation that constantly used to trigger you. It means you could heal from whatever there was that connected you to your past.
Feeling The Emotions; And Then What?
It is the moment you decide to sit down and connect with yourself, your heart and whole being. Giving it permission to show itself, let it wash all over you and feel it all without turning away for distraction such as television, video games, alcohol, food, cigarettes, work, etc. Opening up to dive deep into the unknown and unexplored territories inside of you, of the past experiences with everything you tied to it and then shut it away to not feel it out of fear it could rip you into pieces internally, that it would be too much to take or you wouldn’t be able to handle it all.
A wise soul once told me: “Life never burdens you with what you’re not capable of handling.” And I knew this was true because it helps you remember that you are so much more powerful than you think.. That in challenging yourself and being brave you will be given back so much more than you could have ever imagined. The feeling of lightness, forgiveness, inner calm and peace and most importantly, returning to trust and faith.
Emotions And Vulnerability
It’s scary as hell when you decide to open this door in your heart. This is why most will not do it. Or unfortunately will never do it and live their lives trapped in their self-made prison of pain and suffering piled up throughout the years. It’s understandable, who wants to feel pain? I get it. We don’t want to feel exposed and vulnerable and show our delicate heart. It means that we are showing ourselves naked and without armor. It means to let the guard down that we have worked so hard for to keep up so we can protect ourselves. It means that there is a good chance to get hurt again.
The problem is that if we live a life constantly keeping the guard up and fighting against pain that needs to be addressed, seen and let go off, we are involuntarily numbing ourselves in different ways. And the tragic thing is we are not even aware of it.
Brené Brown said it spot-on in her book “Dare To Lead”:
“We cannot selectively numb emotion. If we numb the dark, we numb the light. If we take the edge off pain and discomfort, we are, by default, taking the edge off joy, love, belonging, and the other emotions that give meaning to our lives.”
Only human beings differentiate between “good” and “bad” and this also applies for when we talk about good and bad emotions. When in fact emotions just “are” and we give it the meaning based on our perception and experiences of life. So unpleasant emotions are just as much a part of our life as it is pleasant emotions. For many of us the response to vulnerability and discomfort is to find the quickest relief in order to feel better as fast as possible, to not have to lean into the pain and instead anesthetize with a whole bunch of stuff that bring momentary relief but doesn’t provide us with a long-term solution.
6 Tips For A Healthy Relationship With Your Emotions
Start with 10min a day with a mindfulness practice like Meditation, Yoga, Journaling, Breath Work, Sitting down and reflecting on your day, … etc.
(Anything that helps you connect with your body and heart, alone-time with yourself without distraction)
Reaching out to a loved one you know you can trust a 100%
(Enriching and profound conversations between two people who fully trust each other can be very healing and reveal a lot regarding our emotional world. It helps us become more aware of our own thoughts, our life and ourselves)
Working with a professional such as a Psychologist or Therapist
(Where you have the space to empty your mind and heart and speak without the fear of being judged. Where you can be you and relax.)
Movement
(Something that you like doing to stay active and helps you connect with your body and its needs)
Nature
(A place where you can get away from external noise and distraction and turn your focus inwards, “grounding” and recharging batteries)
Animals
(observing animals makes us remind of the great capacity they have to live in the present moment and attend their needs based on what they feel appropriate for themselves in every moment. I love observing my dog when he is snoring like a champ on the couch and it fills me with so much peace, gratitude and immense love. Truly soothing for my own soul.)
Have I missed anything? =) Let me know! Learning to lovingly deal with my own emotions has helped me to have more compassion with myself and toward other people in my surrounding. I was able to lower the bar for myself, meaning not being so hard on myself when I can’t understand certain emotions, why they are there, what they want to tell me. First and foremost, I accept them, I let them be present, I feel them and I have trust that I can let them go again, moving through them instead of avoiding them, hoping it will solve itself by itself somehow sometime.
I am learning that we don’t have to understand everything all the time. That sometimes it is okay to not know. This is where I think magic can unfold.
“Emotional Intelligence is your ability to recognize and understand emotions in yourself and others, and your ability to use this awareness to manage your behavior and relationships”
